AMATURE

2011-01-30T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've been trying too hard to write the next chapter but i don't have anything....it's just so hard to write something nowadays... BLANK BLANK BLANK!!!

CHAPTER 16

2010-09-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

to those who are new here remember to start reading from chapter 1(the oldest post)....and work your way to the top..so you will not get lost. Anyway CHAPTER 16 is here...so enjoy!

CHAPTER 16

I was sitting alone at the street, crying tremendously. Dad called, he had to cancel my visit at my 15th birthday which is by the way 2 days from now. I was supposed to spend some time with him. Dad is different from mom, I like him more. He used to be so fun when I was little, then the divorce happened. So occasionally I got to spend a little less time with him. Now I loathe him. I was so excited for the trip that I had packed my stuff a month ago and now his crushing my hopes just because he had to remarry and go on a honeymoon trip with his young wife on my birthday! Now I know why mom left him.

"Ice? Is that you?" Jake hurriedly walked to me looking so worried.

I quickly wiped the traces of my tears, and pretended to smile.

Jake instantly hugged me tightly. "Don't you ever do that to me again...don't scared me like that, I've been looking for you for an hour already."

I just stood there, so placidly quiet. It felt good, the disappointments and hurt was slowly changed to warm fuzzy feelings.

"I'm not going anywhere Jake...I promised, no matter what, you can always count on me."

I'll stay with you forever.

"Ice? We're here..." Steve was trying to wake me up. I guess i fell asleep in the car while he was driving us home.

"I'm sorry i fell asleep... were here." I immediately concealed the tears i had from the dream.

That dream... It haunted me for hours. I can't even go back to sleep. It happened when I was 15. From the thought of it, I promised Jake that no matter what I'll stay beside him, I was his best friend for god's sake. Now, what happened to us? What I really mean is what happened to me? I was the one who walked away, I was the one who fell in love, I was the one who never kept my promise... and just because for selfish reasons... I was afraid of getting hurt.

I had to get up, what time is it? It's four in the morning and I'm still awake. I guess i need a glass of milk. I remember the first time Steve and I went out together, it was the exact place I'm standing. He forced me to go out with him, he is a bit annoying sometimes, but he makes me forget. Now I thought about his kiss, it made me have this warm fuzzy feeling again. When I'm with Steve, I surprisingly gets out of my comfort zone, he makes me experience new things, things I didn't imagine I would do.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Huh?" Damn i was smiling by myself, and Steve caught me smiling by myself! Arrrgh of all the people why it had to be him.

"Ice? are you okay?hehe i guess you kinda thinking of something..." Steve was staring at me looking so cute with his pjs.

"Ah.. no... I mean yes but not you." of all the answers...me and my big mouth.

"Why are you blushing? Well well well..." he walked near me.

"Are you thinking about this?" then he begun to kiss me again, this time I kissed him back.

I kissed him back, I kissed Steve. I wasn't worried, I wasn't asking questions, I just got out from the box. I never thought of Jake. The guilt, the hurt, it just went away instantly. Could this mean something? Am I just using Steve to forget... or despite the quirkiness, and the differences, am I actually might be falling for this guy? I don't know... but lately he is the only person who puts a smile on my face.

CHAPTER 15

2010-09-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

“Love is like a grass. If you fall on it, it may leave a stain and some temporary pain. But you’ll get over the pain, it will eventually stop hurting. Now maybe the stain ruined your favorite pair of jeans, or maybe it was nothing special that was ruined, but either way the stain remains there. And with time, it will begin to fade, but it will always be there, a permanent reminder that you, too, once fell.”

As we were approaching at the party, people are going wild. Loud cheers and music welcomed us upon our arrival. Steve was waving his hands as we passed by a couple of girls giggling and smiling flirtatiously at him. Me? I couldn't care less, my heart was beating so fast, because I knew that any moment from now, I will see Jake for the first time since like forever. It's been a month since I talked to him, I don't know how would I react and how would I feel. Everything for me is point blank, i can't hear the loud music, the loud cheers, all i noticed is how numb i was feeling it was like I'm drowning, it's hard to breath, I can't do it, I have to run, run away from here, all this crowd, it made me so dizzy.

"Ice? Are you okay?" Steve was holding my hand, and then he hug me amidst of the crowd, he hugged me.

I was just standing there, frozen, shocked yet i felt so calm and it was nice...it rescued me from drowning, it made me feel warm and cozy, I liked it.

"I'm okay now...you can let go." I whispered at his ears.

"Are you sure? You know we can do this all night, hmmmmm.."

"I'm a hundred percent sure Steve, now let go, or I'll kicked your ass..." I was embarrassed 'coz people are staring...

He let go of me and stared at me for a while....

"Ice I know you're scared because you might think you will see Jake, and all the pain that's been hidden there will haunt you back again...however I'll be here at your side okay? If you want us to go, just hold my hand and we will go, for the meantime let's have fun, didn't you say a while ago at the car that we will be having a blast?"

I just nodded and look at him, then i took a deep breath.

"Who wants beer?" I enthusiastically asked him, pretending that all he was saying is true...that it's going to be okay.

We were really having a blast, and Steve was with me all the time, making me laugh...we dance, sang every lyrics of the song playing from the bands. I was having a good time.

"Hey Ice, I'll just have to go to the men's room wait for me here okay?"

I just nodded... I was standing all alone at one corner, smiling to each familiar person who looks at my way.

Then i saw him... Jake walking towards me, he had changed a lot. He look nice, he added a little weight, and he was smiling at me. I felt another rush at my body, but i remained calm and i just stood there looking at him... his eyes were glowing, he's more cuter than i remembered..then i realized something, something I have never felt for a long time now, I miss him, I suddenly miss Jake. No pain, no hurt but a sudden longing...longing for my best friend.

"Ice? Is that you? You changed...I mean you look great, your hair? you cut it? I mean wow, is that really you?" He was looking at me with amusement in his eyes.

"Jake..." It's all I can say....

"You never answered my calls and you were always never home..." Jake was looking at me differently now, it was like hurt, and confusion at the same time.

"I lost my phone, and I was busy...and I..." I can never find the right words to say.

"Babe, there you are...I have been looking all over for you."

Nice, Jake's girlfriend approached us, she was still the same, pretty sophisticated girl, she didn't even notice me.

"So you're still together huh?" I smiled forcefully, pretending not to care...

"Hey, you're Ice right? I remember you... you're Jake's best friend or should I say was his best friend... How..."

"Nice, Have you seen Eli, I think he had my camera, can you look for him?" Jake interrupted her quickly.

"There you are... so you've made friends while I'm gone huh?"
Steve put his arms around my shoulder, over protectively.

"Ah hey..ahmm..Jake meet Steve, Steve this is Jake and Nice." Now this is awkward, but thankfully Steve is here, he rescued me from this misery and I can't wait to go. So I immediately held his hands tightly, I want to leave now.

"Ice, can we go now? I needed to show you something." Steve knew and sense the tension all around us.

"Yeah sure." My hands still holding his, tighter than before.

"Ice... I..." Jake was about to tell me something when Nice interrupted him.

I turned my back, and Steve and I walked holding hands together silently. Tears fell down impetuously. Steve held my hand tighter as we walked and even though we didn't talk about it I know that he felt the pain and hurt that had haunted me again. I can never remove the stain that Jake had caused me, like what they say, in time it will fade but the stain will always still be there...

2010-08-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 14

There's a feeling people get from a good kiss that's just hard and just hard to explain.

He kissed me. Steve kissed me. It was a one moment thing, a moment i can never forget. When his lips touched mine, intense feelings came rushing in. It was like i was hit by a big wave....or butter melting into my mouth. The kiss lasted a minute or so then his phone rang, and he have to take it.. So i closed the door and now I'm lying here in my bed, so confused. I guess that's what every girl tends to feel after something like that happens, confused, awkward and confused again!

Then i remembered Jake, the exact time and feeling when i kissed him. It was nothing like this...that was good but sad. I almost forget, maybe I'll see him later, and I'm not ready. So many things have been bothering me at this moment, and i don't know how to handle it.

"There you are...I'm sorry we were interrupted.." Steve entered my room, as always, looking suave, so arrogant yet cute.

"Don't you ever knock?" I tried to look cool, you know pretended not to care.

"No i don't...ahmmm you better get ready Ice, we don't wanna be late." then he kissed my cheek.

And i didn't say anything, just stood there...

I wonder what would i wear? Now that's what a typical girl would be worrying!

Count down to shame... that's what I'm doing, while Steve was telling me a lot of things, I was not even listening to him. I kept on looking at the window, trying to figure things out.

"Hey Ice! Are you even listening?" He was looking at me with confusion.

"Huh?" I tried to smile.

"Hey, are you worried?or was it the kiss?" His eyes were on the road now.

"I'm sorry Steve, I don't know... there's a lot of things in my mind right now."

"I know, i shouldn't have done it, I mean i can't help myself Ice...I..."

"Let's just enjoy the night Steve... I'm okay now, and we'll show them that we will be having fun! I got the feeling we will rock the party! wooohooo!" I over did it... I cut him because, i don't know what to say or respond.

"That's my girl..." still looking at the road and he was silent then...

13th CHAPTER

2010-07-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

chapter 13 is here....hmmm to all the readers out there chapter 13 is ready and ICE is really coping up.... Anyway to those who have just visited, read it from the very first post till you reach chapter 13..Enjoy guys!

chapter 13

FUN. For the very first time, it landed on my lap tonight. I never thought how much i missed having fun and for the very first time it's not with Jake. Now here I am making progress and everything and still Jake had to be brought back from the dead ha ha ha...

So back to reality, I was with Steve the whole night, laughing, having a good time, eating like pigs, and even dancing, which I really refused doing it at first, however Steve made it look so much fun and interesting, so a thousand times of begging and bargaining I actually did it, and it was awesome...the night was awesome. It was a blast! I had a blast... and it was with Steve.

I had never look forward like this for a long time with weekends. It was addicting. It's like a drug that keeps me from screwing my life. Steve and I went out every weekends for the whole month, doing insane things, things I have never got the chance to do with my whole life. We were trying lots of stuff together, activities which we never thought we can ever try. Don't worry nothing illegal anyway. Talking about diversion, lots and lots of diversion.

"Hey Ice, I got something for you...you would really love this." Steve was surprisingly excited handing the fliers.

As usual he was hot, with nothing on top just his khaki shorts.

"What's wrong with you?can't you knock?and why are you naked, you're disgusting!" yep, I always pretended to hate him, I don't know, it kinda works with us.

"Oh c'mon you love it when I don't have my shirt on ha ha ha...it's hot here can't take the hot. So what do you think? Should we try it?"

"I don't know, let me see...hmmm.." As i was browsing it I noticed Jake's name was in it...chief organizer. Something hit me, something sharp, and I tried to catch my breath...everything has resurfaced again, the pain, the shame and even the guilt. I kept silent.

"Yes, he is going to be there Ice, and I know it's been hard on you. However, it's been two months now, you have to face him. Don't you think?"

Steve was right, he knows what I'm going through and he is a good friend. But am I ready for this?

"I don't know Steve, finals are already coming and I had to prepare, and you know...so much things to do..." I made a terrible excuse.

"What? It's next weekend and your final exam is happening this week..that's why we didn't go out right?Oh c'mon, it's like hitting two birds with one stone..you could face Jake and get over him and I can have fun with cute girls plus it's your favorite band..."

"Hmmm why don't you go alone, I'll be fine and besides you'll just left me there alone while you go hang out with hot girls." I can't go, I don't have the guts and I don't want to feel the pain again. I just can't...

"Hey, I will not leave you alone okay?we will do this together, you and me. We will have fun, be crazy and..." he was leaning towards me, and he was touching my face, and i can almost smell his breath...it was... actually, i can't describe it, it felt warm and good.

"Okay..." that's all I can say, while I stare at his eyes, it was like he captivated me.

"Good..." he continued to lean forward, and from what i was thinking I was a hundred percent sure that he is trying to kiss me and i just froze there, i can't hardly move...

2010-06-18T07:12:00.001-07:00

REMINDERS

Woah!!! It's been like a year since i wrote something about ICE... I just checked out my AMATURE blog out of boredom and decided to write another chapter...haha....Well guys i want you to know that i'm finished with my degree..i finally graduated and technically have a license to practice what i've been studying for years....oh before i forgot, to those who just visited this page because they were bored, try reading from the bottom to the top..first chapter is on the BOTTOM (oldest post).... and to those who randomly checks this page for a year, trying to see if i have written something.....I'm sorry it took a year to write something...i was busy with everything, job, life and people i hate hahaha.. enjoy guys!

2010-06-18T05:53:00.000-07:00

12th CHAPTER

CHAPTER 12

I woke up, still with tears on my eyes, i'm exhausted. I can't be like this all the time... I need to go on with my life with or without Jake!

Hmmm what to do? what to do? Call jake, apologize, hang out then voila!

Are you out of your mind Ice?!!! It's not that simple and besides, you ended it all when you walked out from him remember? So start living your life without Jake, that's the first thing to do Ice....top of your list!

But before i get too excited with this remarkably precarious perception... I need to eat, i haven't been this hungry before, considering i just cried myself to sleep last night, and the other night and the other night also...what am i thinking??? I NEED TO EAT NOW!!!!

So here i was stuffing my face on the fridge, eating whatever i could find, it's too late to cook something, too hungry to wait.

"Ahem...How about dining out?"

I was startled and was choking to death as i noticed him, standing by the door, looking as stunning as before. It was Steve. I forgot about him, all of a sudden he was here.

"Are you okay?Do you need water or something?"

I nodded quickly...embarrassed at the same time annoyed.

"I thought you would never get out from your room Ice... It's been like three days already? What's wrong with you, you're totally freaking me out, aside from you being weird, i'm bored to death here. It's about time we go out and have some fun..what do you think huh?"

He was whining while pouring me a glass of water. And after i drank all of it, I was surprised he was touching my face all of a sudden, i just stood there. Surprisingly his touch was so gentle and soft and it felt great.

"I need to go take a shower." I swiftly turned around, walked away.

"Eeew... Don't tell me you just woke up?"

And here he was... from being sweet to being so peeved..argh! I was reminded that i hated this guy so much.

"Do you wanna go out?" i didn't turned to him. I just stood there.

"If it's not too bothersome for you?I mean if it's okay...I..well.."

"Shut up and get dress, i don't wanna be seen with a total loser... a shirt, pants and sneakers would be okay.." then i walked away....

"what's wrong with what i'm wearing now?"

I didn't answer... i don't want him to ruin my plan, and that is to go out, have fun and live without Jake!

It took me thirty minutes to get ready, was wearing my worn out shorts, my favorite jacket and my sneakers. I saw myself in the mirror, I looked horrible... I looked tired...i took a deep breath, I need to do this! I have to!

"Hey Ice, are you ready?!!!!" Steve was shouting outside like an idiot.

He's annoying, but there's something about him that made me realized that everything is going to be okay. I can't stop thinking about the touch, it was comforting. Aside from being a prick, he knows i'm hurting, i often heard him knock while i was crying..he was asking if i was okay or something, and even though i yelled at him, to mind his own business, he just stands there, i can see his shadow from my door...

REMINDERS

2008-10-08T05:09:00.000-07:00

yo guys!!!! i'm sorry, it's been months...hehe..well i've been busy with my school stuff and all which i really hate FYI. Anyway i posted 4 chapters for you to read (if there's really reading this hehe....) I would like to apologize to those who bothered reading AMATURE, sorry for the late post...and thanks for the comments...hehe well a reminder to the newbies!scroll down...start reading from chapter 1..it's in the bottom..:P hehe thanks! and to those who are not new here chapter 8 is done and you know the drill....

I would like to thank a very good friend of mine, because of her i really find the time to post the four chapters. She'll be leaving to the states next month, damn i'm gonna miss her so much. Hey Irene here's what you want, i've posted it all....i will miss you and take care...oh in case you forget, size 5 lng ko hehehe..just kidding....

11th CHAPTER

2008-10-08T05:06:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 11

“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”
Jennifer Aniston

I just stopped. My whole world suddenly stopped. I was like drowning in the deep waves, then it’s suddenly hard to breathe, I was plunge forcibly… little by little, the pain suffocated me. I didn’t even remember it felt like this, it was too much harder than before.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Steve was staring at my phone. There’s a look in his face, look of nosiness, is he curious who was calling? I could see apparently through his face that all he could think of is stealing my phone, but he was restraining himself, of course.

And there I was, startled and at the same time relieved. I, for a second, thought that I’ll be asphyxiated by the ache I have buried deep inside me, well I tried to bury it, however it keeps leaking out.

“Huh?” I just stared at him, and then I did the most stupid thing a person could do… I threw my phone at the trash can. Yeah I just threw my phone, my only phone, and did I mentioned, my expensive phone!

“Whoa! Did u just do that?” Steve was in shocked by the impulsive reaction I’ve made.

“Yeah, do you have a phone?” I too can’t believe what I have done, my mom would burn me alive.

“What? Are you going to throw it too? No way!”

“Relax. . . I’m just gonna call my mother.”

Steve unwillingly, so hesitant, gave his phone, and I was about to smile when it rang. And I recognize the number without doubt.

“Mom?” I picked up hesitantly looking for reasons, how my phone ended up in the trash can.

“Isabella? Is that you? Thank god, you’re with Steve. Is he okay? That poor boy. Can I speak to him?”

What the heck? She looked like she found her lost precious ring, yeah! Thank you mom!!!! We found your prized retard so can I go on with my life now!

“Isabella?”

“Yeah sure mom.” I handed the phone to Steve.

“Hey? Ma’am? It’s okay. Yeah, no problem. Well…?” Steve was walking away; clearly he doesn’t want me eavesdropping.

What the hell, you tell mom everything, so what! I really don’t care, I never cared. I stopped caring since I was forced to move in this crappy place. The only reason I wanna stay here is gone and somehow I really don’t care at all. I am so angry, deep down inside I am so angry with myself, with Jake, with these feelings. I feel rage hidden somewhere inside of me. All I really want is to leave this place and forget everything.

“Hey you’re mom wants to talk to you…” Steve caught me spacing out again, I can’t imagine how he thinks of me.

“Mom?”

“You lost your phone?”

“I could totally explain, mom! I…”
“No need, I’ll send you a new one. Steve filled me with details a while ago, treat him well. Bye.” Just like that, I wasn’t yelled at, and she’ll be sending me a new phone.

“Here. What did you tell my mom?” I handed the phone and I couldn’t believe how powerful the guy standing in front of me, is he that charming that my mom had to be swiped off her feet? Plus, he persuades her to buy me a new phone without asking any questions. Normally mom asks explanations, she never trusts that I lost something which I haven’t got to do with the thing being lost. It was always my fault. But not this time? Hmmm… Steve has the charms he needed; it was like his power, imagine you have that ability; you could get out of trouble anytime anywhere and to anyone, especially my mom. How dandy!

“I would like to tell you but then I have to kill you.” Steve was smiling, again with the perfect smile like that any girl could just be swiped off her feet, but then I’m not just any girl.

“I really don’t care what you’ve told my mother, can we just go, you’ve already wasted my time, let’s not waste another.” Then I turned my back and started walking. I was rude to him, I’m not like that? Not around with Jake… there I was, caught in the act, act of being guilty, guilty as thinking of Jake again, I thought I was going to forget him. I guessed it’s not that easy. He’s just there inside me, lurking behind my mind, wanting to get out, waiting for every chance he could get, waiting for me to be remembered.

10th CHAPTER

2008-10-08T05:05:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 10

I dream about, how it's going to end,
Approaching me quickly,
Leaving a life of fear,
I only want my mind to be clear,
People, making fun of me,
For no reason but jealousy,
I fantasize about my death,
I'll kill myself from holding my breath… My suicidal dream…..

I didn’t exactly notice the song playing inside my car, it was a song from silver chair, and it kind of conveys what I’m feeling right now. Arrgh! I hate traffic… I hope nothing happened to Steve, it’s been 45 minutes and I’m really sure that the plane landed an hour ago. I don’t know if I’ll be angry with him for making me get up early or I’ll be worried for him because he doesn’t know the place and he’s all alone right now…I think I’ll go with the first part ha-ha!

Hmmm at last, after minutes of driving, airport here I come! Where could Steve be? Hmm should I just wait for him outside or call the security? For god’s sake he’s a year older than you Ice; he knows what to do… Oh, well I’ll just have to go inside and wait for him, I don’t even know what he looks like, and maybe he has a sign or something.

I’ve been standing here for 20 minutes, where is he? the plane arrived an hour ago. This sucks! I’m so hungry and I’m so tired.

“Excuse me? Cassandra?”

“Yes?” hmmm this better be Steve, Well he looks different, and not the one I imagined him to be. I thought he’s the dorky one, the one with the glasses and who looks like a retard… but he’s not, he is awesomely hot! Smoking hot! Tall, with hazel eyes and his shirt compliments his fair skin top with the khaki pants... wow! Not bad…

“Finally! I thought I’ll be staying in a hotel alone, and I’m Steve by the way.” He offered his hands and was waiting for me to shake it, but by the looks of it, I was just staring at him, mesmerized on how hot he is.

“Hmmm are you okay?”

Wake up Ice! Stop staring!

“Oh… How did you know? I mean?” did I mention to you that I look stupid at this time?

“Hmmm I think this would suffice.” He handed an old picture of mine when I was 16 at my mom’s welcome back party. I was not pleased, that pic was horrible. I was not smiling its like I’m too pissed off.

“Oh…It’s Ice by the way.” I gathered myself and pretended to be annoyed. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I can see that he’s too arrogant and by the looks of it he is just some stupid jock who sees me as a dork.

“You’re mom gave me a picture of you and I recognize you immediately because of that look?”

“What look?” Now I’m annoyed, he’s exactly what I pictured him to be, arrogant, stupid jock.

“That look, you’re pissed off right? Look, I’m sorry if I’m a bother to you, if you want I could just check in a hotel.”

Yeah I really like that, but if my mom found out about it I’m totally dead.

“It’s alright, you’re not a nuisance to me and our house is too big for both of us, just don’t get in my way.”

“It’s a deal Ice. Cool name, Isabel Cassandra Elena.” Then he smiled, a smile so perfect, that it makes me thaw out.

I didn’t pay enough attention I just walk ahead of him, and he followed. There’s something about him that intrigues me though. Then my phone rang, it was Jake, he’s calling. For a second I forgot about him, and now all the pain have revisited me, my hands was too shaky, I don’t have the courage to talk to him, not now…

9th CHAPTER

2008-10-08T05:04:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 9

i wait in the same spot
brain like a parking lot
you're the traffic in my head
you're the reason that i'm wrecked
i pray for it to stop
like rain on the sidewalk
the traffic in my head, you're the traffic in my head
there's just too much to forget

- Marie Digby’s Traffic…

Lying awake, it’s been five hours since I lay down in my bed, didn’t even sleep at all. All I can think of is how our lips touched, how cold and soft his lips were, I was like in cloud nine, on the other hand it was heartbreaking to think that things will be different from now on. These thoughts have been an annoyance to me for five hours, it’s getting worse every minute, I can never think straight. I can never imagine what I did; it was a disclosure that he never expected. He didn’t even text me, what is he thinking right now? Arrgh! I hate myself, you could have just kept quiet Ice, you don’t have to say a word… you ambushed him, not thinking about the consequences, you ruined your friendship.

“Did I do the right thing?” The last query in my mind before I fell asleep, at last…

It’s seven am in the morning. I was awaken by the constant ringing on my phone. Who could call me at this hour? As what I’ve known it’s Sunday, no class!

“Hello?” I was still half awake; I’m so pissed off…

“Isabel?”

“Mom?” how did I not see that coming?! What does she want now?

“Are you in the airport now?” What is she talking about?

“What airport mom? It’s Sunday and it’s early in the morning! Are you drunk or something? I thought you’re in Kentucky?”

“You didn’t receive my messages! What are you doing with your phone?! Isabel if something happened to Steven, God knows what I will do to you!”

“What?! I haven’t checked my phone mom…What’s with Steven anyway and who the heck is he? And can you please relaxed…I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

“I told you about Steven before, Mr. Ferber’s son? The one who will be arriving like right now!”

“Oh…the retard? Didn’t you say he will be arriving at September 23? Last time I checked its still August.”

“Isabel, he will be arriving today. I left several messages on your phone thinking you’ll be checking it, something came up so he will be arriving today, so hurry down to the airport because he’s waiting for you! He doesn’t know anyone here so please can you fetch him like right now!” Oooh…from the sound of it I think I’m so in trouble.

“I’m sorry mom, I’m on my way now I’m getting my keys.” Then she hung up. She’s really pissed off. I disappointed her again.

Damn! I just realized I’m a mess, I didn’t even washed my face, just slipped on a tattered jeans and a black shirt, i think this would suffice and besides I think Steven “the retard” might not care at all, and even if he cares, I really don’t care about him, I’m too worn out to worry.

8th CHAPTER

2008-10-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER 8

Hanging out with Jake for the very first time since the incident, was like taking the edge off, it felt relaxing, unbelievable as it may seem, it was like my distress have been wiped away in an instant. I wish time would stop at this very moment where we sat beside each other watching this old horror flicks, laughing and not minding everyone around us.

“Ice, I know I’ve been a jerk these past few weeks….” Jake looked at me with all this sincerity in his face.

I just sat there, playing innocent, staring at him waiting for something miraculous event to happen.

“I mean I never actually asked you how you feel about Nice and me, and I’ve been too distant and it’s too unfair for you…and… I…”

“Jake, I have something to tell you… I haven’t been completely honest with you.” I think I’m ready to tell him everything now, we’ve been best friends since like forever, and I owe him the truth. I think I’m ready to accept the reality now, and I think I have to move on, it’s best this way.

“Jake, this may sound crazy but from the very first time I saw you, I know and I’m really sure that you’re the one for me…and…”

“Is this one of your ice breakers? I’m trying to apologize here and you’re always fooling around...” Jake was smiling and so clueless to everything I have spoken, it was like that night, when I told him that embarrassing question about the kiss, and now it’s a dejavu or something.

“No Jake, I’m serious here…I mean I love you, can’t you even feel that? I know that it’s not fair for you and for me, but I have these feelings for three years and I never realized till now that I’m just hoping and dreaming that you feel the same way…and now, I think it’s better to let go of something I haven’t had in the first place.”

I never thought I could said that, it’s been down there, buried deep inside me and now I’m letting it out…and as tears fall from my face, I start caressing his face as if I would never be able to touch it for a while, I hugged him and finally for the first time, I kissed him…gently, softly. It took me a whole bucket of courage to that, and I didn’t regret it, his lips were too soft and it felt like I was running out of air. It felt like I was looking on a series of fireworks exploding, thrill and shiver are crawling into my spine. It was my very first kiss and I suppose it would be my last with him…

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to impose, I know you like Nice more than anyone else, and I respect that…”

“I don’t know what to say Ice…I...”

“You don’t have to say anything Jake... I understand…goodbye Jake.” I walked out there bravely knowing that it would never be the same again and that I had lost my best friend and the only guy I loved.

7th CHAPTER

2007-11-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

7th chapter is here sorry took a long time to write this hehe i was too busy hehe...

CHAPTER 7

If you can’t get someone out of your life or mind then maybe just maybe they are supposed to be there...

Another day has passed; I woke up with tears on my face. I guess I fell asleep crying last night. My eyes are too swollen, I can’t go out like this, I whisper to myself… Last night was way too much to handle, it was embarrassing and too depressing. Jake never called, I guess he don’t have to since Nice is his world now, and I’m left alone with this agonizing pain. I know I shouldn’t expect too much from him but I have no choice I love him, expectations are rarely ignored, I think so… I’m not sure though. Well it’s another big day; I have to go to school and be ready for the things ahead of me. I know I can’t really force myself to be happy, but at least I can be busy and maybe just maybe I can forget him just for a while. Hmmm I have to be optimistic today, I’m really tired of weeping, tired of feeling this ache, and I’m becoming so numb now.

Walking without Jake seems not normal, I mean every time someone sees me, all they ask is “hey where’s Jake?” It really irked me at the same time it makes me feel sad, is it because I miss him? Or I’m just a pathetic loser who they see as the best friend’s keeper.

It may sound crazy but I really look horrible and so pathetic, walking alone with this large sling bag of mine, wearing only a black shirt, jeans and sneakers, and to top it with a very messy hair, didn’t have time to comb it since I thought I was going to be late, tsk tsk… Oh well no one would notice anyway, after this class I’ll go home and probably stay all night surfing the net or watching horror flicks which we usually do…arrgh what am I thinking? Why is it hard to forget someone? Why is this so fucking hard?

“Hey, Ice! Wait up!” Hmm someone is calling out my name, who could that be, I’m late for class now, am I suppose to stop walking…God must be so angry at me, that he had really turn my day horrible.

“What?!” this better be good….

“Hey, why so hot headed?”

Shit! Jake is standing there as I turned around to face the one calling me…

“Hey, you ok dude?” it was actually Jake, the last person I don’t want to see right now.

“Hey, it’s you. I’m sorry I thought it was somebody else.” I smiled a bit, not because I was happy to see him, I’m still mad at him, but it’s so injustice for him if I get mad…. Because in the first place he doesn’t know how I feel for him.

“You have a class right, and from what I know, hehe you’ll be late…in 5 4 3 2 1…” the bell rang, he was right, I’m so late…arrgh!!!!

“You jerk! What do you want anyway?”

“I miss you; I miss hanging out with my best friend, so let’s cut class and hang out?”

Those three words really made my heart melt; it was like a euphoric feeling that took all the sorrows away. I was just standing there, it felt like my world had stopped turning, if only, it could stay this way…

“Where’s Nice?” Nice move Ice, why do u have to ruin it?

“Oh! Nice? She’s in class right now, hmmm I don’t wanna hang out with her, and I wanna hang out with you.”

“I see… oh well since I’m too late for class now, why not.”

I guess I just can’t help myself from being too soft, I can’t even ignore or forget him right away. He’s my best friend; he’s the only person who understands me, and the one I love. I know it’s not fair for him or for me, but there’s nothing I can do now, I can’t force him to get out of my life, however there’s one thing I could do, I could just be happy for him and maybe just maybe this will go away….

6th CHAPTER ( expectations...)

2007-09-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

6th chapter is here...hope you'll like it guys...

CHAPTER6

Have you ever been told that everything is supposed to be reciprocated? Someone told me that if you’re really happy, probably the next thing you’ll feel is intense sadness. The intensity of sadness equals the intensity of happiness. I didn’t believe it first till that day:

A day has passed and still I haven’t seen Jake, and I miss him dreadfully. Well he called me a while ago and he wants to have dinner with me, my heart skipped a beat as I heard his voice. Well I have 30 minutes left before this boring class ends and we’ll see each other, at last… I’ve been spacing out lately, I can’t concentrate, I kept on thinking about what happened, about Jake, about us. Is it too much for me to handle? Or am I just too coward to face what I truly feel? I was in the middle of reminiscing the pain I felt, when someone called my name…

“Miss Jose? Cassandra Jose?”

I was surprised and suddenly dropped my pen. My classmates were staring at me, and I really don’t have a clue why…

“Miss Jose are you okay? It seems you’re mind is not in the class.”

I didn’t say anything, a simple I’m okay would do but instead I just stared at him, what a freak I am, and a total loser. Three girls in front were giggling as they look at each other's faces while glancing at me. They would have thought I was crazy or something. I was about to speak when the bell rang. They suddenly moved from their seats and it was obvious they really didn’t care on what I have to say. So I just grabbed my books and went to our fave resto, I’ll have to wait for Jake there.

What took him so long? He was never late before. I’m so excited to see him that I can’t wait any longer. He said he wanted to have dinner with me…hmmm…just the thought of it gives me happiness inside, a wonderful feeling that I can’t describe. If only I could just jump here and shout how happy I am. I couldn’t care less. I’ll call him? No I shouldn’t…or what about SMS? Yeah I should, and while waiting I’ll just have to order his favorite food and drink, and then I’ll tell him later that it’ll be my treat for now. Great idea Ice!

Where the hell are you Jake? The food is getting cold. He better have a good excuse…I just miss him so bad that I can’t be patient. Oops my phone is ringing, it’s Jake!

“You jerk! Where the hell are you?”

“Ice could you watch your mouth please?”

“Okay Jake, where are you?”

“Ice we’re almost there.” We? Who’s with him?

“What do you mean by we?

“Oh I haven’t told you?” then he hang up, or his phone died.

Who’s with him, I’m really wondering?

“Ey, Ice meet Nice, she’s the one I’m talking about.” Jake was standing there with this hot innocent girl, and I don’t know what to say. I didn't even noticed they came in, i was too busy sending some text messages and they were there, boom! I could have prepared myself...but too late i guess...

Suddenly the happiness I’ve felt a while ago was gone, as if my heart was ripped out. I couldn’t utter a word. I thought we were having dinner alone…I thought I could have a great time tonight.

“Hey I’m Nice, you’re Ice right? I’ve heard a lot of things about you.”

I was just staring at her and as she extends her hand, I just look at her face, staring at her angelic face.

“Hmmm, Ice are you still mad coz we are late?” Jake was really embarrassed about the way I acted. And yet I hadn’t pay any attention to what he is saying, I can barely move. I don’t know why, it felt horrible; the pain was too much I had to get out of here.

“I have to go now. My mom called me, it’s urgent. I already ordered, I guess you two can eat that.” I rushed at the door, I even felt my knees shaking. I never looked back. I don’t know what Jake’s expression is, and I’m not interested to know. All I’m thinking now is to get out of there and breathe. My heart was beating so fast that it’s really hard to breathe. I was like gasping for air. Why does he have to bring her along? I thought he wanted to have dinner with me? I guess I was wrong…

5th CHAPTER (guilty?)

2007-09-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

yeah 5th chapter is here....hmmm..AGAIN!!!! well i just hope someone will comment in my blog...so that i'll know that it's been read!:praying: Again if you're new...begin at the first post up to third...(bottom to top)AGAIN feel free to comment...(chatbox) and enjoy....:)

CHAPTER 5

So there I was, standing still at the corner of my room, still in agony, feeling stupid again. What will Jake think? How will I explain my anger to him? How will I tell him that I was jealous and I was afraid that I’ll lose him? Lots of questions have been bothering on my mind that day, and I didn’t have a clue on how to answer all of it. Yes, Jake and I fought several times before, but not like this, it was always too shallow, we always patch things up after. As usual he always goes to my house to apologize even if it’s my fault. Then after that we always talk about what was wrong and he’d ask me why did I get mad then I’ll explain it to him, and there’s always a reason to tell…but how will I explain to him what happened? I can’t tell him the truth…

“argh! Damn it! I wanna die!”

I was sitting at my bed, so furious, when my phone rang.

Who could it be? Is it Jake? I’m not ready to talk to him. The phone was still ringing and I was just staring at it till it stopped. I carefully grabbed my phone. Hmm 10 missed calls and several messages and it was all Jake’s. Then it began to ring again, it was Jake, I have to answer this…

“Hello?” my voice was low.

“Ice? What happened? Are you mad at me? What did I do wrong? Why aren’t you answering my calls or even my messages?” Jake asked irritatingly.

“Jake… Hmm I fell asleep, didn’t hear the phone…it was on silent.”

“Oh, I thought you’re really mad.”

“No I’m not, you silly.”

“So what’s with the walk out thing?”

“Oh that? Ehehe I was on a hurry you jerk!”

“Oh really? and since when do you cut class?”

“Oh that, ahmm…” shit, think Ice, think… “Ah… PMS!”

Good thinking Ice, PMS(premenstrual syndrome)… nice excuse.

“Oh…so that’s the reason…I can’t really understand women!”

“Jake I better hang up now, I’m not really feeling well.”

“Ice?”

“Yes? What?” I asked curiously.

There’s something about his voice, it really felt good inside, and it made me forget about the pain…

“You take care okay? If you need something just call me, or do you want me to come by?” He sincerely asked…and damn it felt good!

“No thanks Jake. I’ll see you tomorrow okay? Bye.” I hang up. Jake was really concern about me, and I felt terrible for lying to him. But I have no choice, I have to…

4rth CHAPTER (favor)

2007-08-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

guys, fourth chapter of ice's story is here......(applause) haha well i just hope someone will comment in my blog...so that i'll know that it's been read! well guys, again if u just read this now as in you're a newbie with this, begin at the first post up to third...(bottom to top)AGAIN feel free to comment...(chatbox) and enjoy....:)

CHAPTER 4
So there I was sitting in one corner of my room, feeling so brainless, humiliated, mortified, for acting so weird in front of Jake. I know it’s not his fault, he doesn’t know that I love him and he never will… for now. I never went to class that afternoon, never checked my phone. I’m just gaping at the four cornered walls with stupid posters around it. Music was turned on so loud, I guess but still I can’t hear anything, perhaps my senses are getting numb for the reason that, all I can think is the agony of losing Jake to someone. I was in a verge of losing my sanity, when someone knocked on the door. I opened it, and it was my mom. My dear mom, how come she’s home?
“Isabel!” she looked furious again, what is it this time?
“Its Ice mom…what do you want?”
“Isabel could you turn that damn thing off, it’s too loud!”
“What?!” I enjoyed looking at her face like that; I mean you know getting furious and mad at the same time irked.
“Turned that damn thing off!” she’s too funny, making hand signals as if I can’t hear her. What does she want now? Last time she talked to me was last last week I guess, I was scolded for missing her welcome back party. Yeah that’s my mom always traveling in Europe or states. “Business comes first darling, how can you spend your 16th birthday without money.” That’s what she said when I ask her how come I can’t spend my birthday with her. What a total loser! Now what does she want now?
“What do you want?” I was turning the music off while wiping the tears of my face.
“Well, I’m glad I caught you home this time.”
“Mom, I think that’s my line…”
“Stop being silly, I have a favor to ask you dear.”
“Favor?” Oh my, now thinking about it gives me the creeps. What could she want from me? I hope not another boring party to attend.
“Yes, Well my top client’s son will be arriving three months from now, he’s about a year older than you.”
“So…”
“So I want you to accompany him while he is having a vacation here in the Philippines.”
“What? Is he a retard or something?” My mom is crazy, is kissing ass her top priority now?
“No he is not retard, watch your mouth Isabel. He is Mr. Ferber’s son and he asked me a little favor since he knew I have a daughter.”
“Ice mom, not Isabel. Unfortunately I am the daughter…”
“Yes you are, don’t worry he is nice, I met him once at New York. Steven is a good boy. So you better be hospitable.”
“There’s nothing I can do now, whether I like it or not I know you’ll do anything just to ruin my life.”
“Stop that nonsense, just pick him at the airport, introduce yourself and make him comfortable here. Okay?”
“He is staying here?”
“Yes, of course, he could stay at the guest room.”
“Whatever, when will he be arriving?”
“September 23, don’t you forget the date okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll be leaving for Kentucky next week, so take care. Oh I forgot, Jake went here a minute ago, I told him you’re sleeping. The next time you ever had a fight with Jake, please don’t turn the music full blast, you always do that.”
Hmm even though mom was always busy, she knows me well and whenever Jake and I had a fight I know she always knew. She’s not too bad; after all she’s my mother.

3rd CHAPTER (secrets)

2007-08-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

hey hey guys i'm here again... this is the 3rd chapter of Ice's story. anyway to those who just check out this blog(newbies), first u have to read the first post then the second then the third(start from bottom to top!).... so that u can comprehend well in this chapter...hope u enjoy this....again feel free to comment!

CHAPTER 3

Yes, that was embarrassing no need to rub it hard. Well the great pop up question I asked never made a difference in our relationship, after the most thwarting incident, both Jake and I acted as if nothing happened. It was considered as a passed by joke, and yet I undergone uneasiness and hopelessness regarding these things I’ve felt, it was like I was ripped out of hope and chances are already taken away from me. Hmmm however that didn’t drive me away from him, I continue to like him, care for him even if I was the only one who knew it. It was like I’m trapped in this dark, solitude place that I couldn’t escape from, the feeling of uneasiness have grown day by day as if I was about to be swallowed by these thoughts, I wanted to let it go but as time passes by it kept crawling back and back, devouring my whole body, clenching every strength I’ve made to deny thy feelings. Maybe as young as I was back then, I have fallen in love for the very first time, and I didn’t know what else to do but just wait for the right moment and time to talk to him and express how much I really love him. So months have passed by, we both went to college, he took up business ad and I took up fine arts. We both went to the same university so it was easier for us to hang out, and luckily we both have the same free time, actually I was the one who planned the schedules hehehe so clever of me huh? Well it would be nice if I could just say that we lived happily ever after then, consequently that didn’t happen. Yes, I still love Jake, however he doesn’t know about it and I was too coward to say it, and something terrible happened, well not that terrible just some bumpy road that we bumped as we were traveling our intertwined paths. Hmm maybe you’re really wondering what did happen, to cut a long story short Jake met someone in his class! Ouch! Just thinking of it makes my heart ripped out to pieces. Why not? Of course I can’t control him, we’re not even in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, so I can’t do anything but to accept the fact that it’s not only our world but there were others too who in reality want a piece of him. So it happened like this, first heart ache:

“Hey Ice, I have been looking everywhere for you?” Jake was running towards me, sweating and looks really hot with his black shirt and rugged pants with his old sneakers.

“Oh hi Jake…what’s up? Why are you running?” I was deeply happy that he was in a hurry looking for me, maybe he wanted to tell me something, something I’ve been waiting to hear…oh just wake up Ice…It’s not that, stop dreaming and don’t space out!

“Well remember our English class?” Jake was really excited that day, and I was wondering why?

“Yeah, the most boring class, yup you mentioned it last week. The first meeting sucks, your teacher was really dull.”

“Well not anymore! Ice if you’d only seen her she was really the perfect…”

“What? You have a new teacher?”

“No! Could you stop interfering, could you just listen to me Ice?”

“Who is perfect?” Now from the looks of it, I already knew that something happened, and this would really hurt.

“Well I met someone, her name is Nice, my classmate, and she was absent the last time so I didn’t see her.”

“So…” I just raised my eyebrows just to let him know I really don’t care.

“So… she is perfect, I mean she is beautiful, smart, friendly and hot.” The way he talked about the girl, it made me want to throw up. My whole world seems to black out, my knees got weaker and weaker that it’s shaking the whole time.

“Hmm Jake…I have to go to class now.” I came up with a very stupid excuse, maybe it’s because I can’t take it anymore, every remark he spoke of about Nice is really pissing me off.

“Duh? How come? You don’t have classes till 4 pm… its lunch break dude; we’re going to go have lunch together, right?” Jake was looking very confused at that moment.

“Ahmm... ehehehe…not class, silly… I’m sorry I can’t go to lunch with you, I mean I have to go to a meeting with my group in, you know, it’s the project, I mean, you know that already.” I don’t know what’s happening to me at that jiffy. It’s like I can’t think properly, all I can think of is how much pain I’ve been enduring at that moment. I wanna cry out loud, punch someone; I just want to run as fast as I can.

“Hmm honestly, Ice I don’t know what you’re talking about but I think you’re upset or something.”

“Me? Upset?”

“Yes, I know you too well Ice, if you’re stuttering like that, I know you’re upset. I know how you feel but I don’t know why. Is something wrong?”

“You don’t know how I feel Jake, you just don’t know.” Now there I was looking so stupid again, running away from Jake. I never looked back, all I know is that he’s shouting my name and constantly fading away, his voice.

to be continued...

2ND CHAPTER (STORY OF ICE)

2007-08-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

ey guys here's my continuation of ice's story, 2nd chapter... hope you enjoy it... to those who just check today just read the first post so that u can relate to this..feel free to comment and subscribe if you want i appreciate it...:) enjoy!!!!

CHAPTER2

Now, now don’t get too pretty excited because the rest was not really that interesting. So we became friends, Jake and me. We usually hang out during class, after class and weekends too. We were inseparable, he was my confidant and I was his only friend. Well through out the whole school year we were treated as outcast, because of simplest reason that we were both different from others. I never cared and so did he, we were happy. Now because of these intense feelings I’ve felt during our senior year, I was really confuse back then and made the biggest embarrassing question. Yes, I asked Jake something that’s really awkward to hear from a girl. It was a Saturday night, 9:45 pm on the first of February, Jake and I were both sitting in an abandoned building right next to this old church we have in our place, we were quietly staring at the sky in the stillness and silence of that night. We always hang out there, it was our secret meeting place, and well that’s what I think of it, while he was referring it as a secret hideout from the chaotic world. Jake had a lot of issues back then… So there I was very confused, my palms are sweating, my heart was beating faster, talk about hormones!

“Ja..Jake?” my voice was trembling.

“Ice?” Jake’s voice was calm as he spoke my name.

So I look at him, stared at his eyes then answered “yes?”

He glanced at me, and then looks at me with confusion and said “are you okay?”

“I..I…” I just sit still there; my body is just sitting there motionless as if I’ve been paralyzed or something. I can’t even think straight, I wanted to tell him how much I like him, how much I really really like him. I wanted to tell him that he is the only person I cared for, and he’s the reason I never want to go back to the states again. That without him my life would be very lonely as hell.

“What?” he smiled at me looking so confused.

“I… well… can I kiss you?” oh my god! What did I do? What the heck was that? That’s not what I had in mind a while ago…

“huh?” he was shocked, from the looks of his face, I can tell that he was really disgusted, or not…I really don’t know… it’s very hard to tell… until he burst out loud, laughing. He was laughing too much that it made me laugh too.

“You’re really something Ice…you know how to break an ice…” he just stood up and started walking.

“hehe…we are so quiet, so I thought of something very funny, like you said I really know how to break an ice.” Talk about crap, so I just followed him, embarrassed, and yet relieved.

(to be continued....)

i'm new at this..so what?

2007-08-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

hmmm so this is it...my ever first post...well here's the product of my boredom..hope you'll enjoy it...

INTRODUCTION

It was a very cold night, the wind softly touching my face, I was drenched in the bitter rain, crying my heart out, screaming his name while his shadows soothingly vanishes in the dark and yet no matter how hard I yell no one was able to notice. Not them, not him, not me…

“Ice!”

I turned around, someone is calling my name.

“Ice!”

Who could it be? I answered back blankly. “ye..yes”

“it’s me Jake”

Jake? My best friend Jake, the ever loyal Jake…Jake whom I fell in love with, 6 years ago…Jake who had rejected me…It was Jake…

“Are you okay?” Jake, carrying an umbrella shook me to death, repetitively shouting and screaming something I can’t hear nor comprehend. Why? Pain is the only thing I felt, how unfortunate! How miserable!

“Ja...Jake...” the sound of his name made me realize one thing, I have no one now…first, Jake had redundantly deny my love for him and now the only man who made me look forward in every sunrise, had left me. I am nothing, worthless; rubbish crap…I want to die!

CHAPTER1

Hmmm… Before this shitty thing happened to me, let me introduce my self and tell you the whole story of triviality concerning my failure in love, friendship and life. I’m Isabel Cassandra Elena Jose, but they call me Ice for short. I and my mom moved in the Philippines when I was 14 yrs old, dad and mom got divorced, that’s why. It was a crucial moment for me since I grew up in San Francisco and lived my whole childhood years there, a total bummer right? New place, school and people… Typical adjustment period, however it was not hard fitting in, high school here is not that difficult in terms of pecking order of social status. Although there are easy ways to fit in, I never tried to be cool. I was obsessed on how to ruin my life, planning to do some things that my parents will surely reconsider on sending me in this crappy place; as a result, I could go back to my home, my space, my San Francisco. Ha ha ha what a total loser I am back then! Anyway so I throw my stuffs I mean my dolls and all that possesses the color pink, tried to change my attitude as sweetness to roughness. I then started to like everything that is black and weird. My mother was furious, she tried to change and bring back the old me and yet I’m starting to love the new me…day by day I was amazed on how cool to be different even though I don’t have any friends, it was the best revolutionize thing I’ve ever done. A year later in my third year in high school, I met Jake, a transferee. He was different from others; he is always quiet and is always sitting in front of me in every class. He smiles when I look at him but never spoken a word. He glances timidly when I pass the hallways, day after day I begin to wonder what kind of person is Jake. He used to sit on a bench alone with his sketchbook and pencil during our lunch break, and I used to watch him everyday from afar, thinking on what he could be thinking. Then one rainy afternoon I was about to go home when someone called my name,

“Ice!”

I turned around and saw Jake dripping wet holding a book…a book with my name.

It was mine. I left it at the bench I used to sit at every lunch break, and I think I left it there.

“Is that mine?” I asked, for the very first time I never felt so excited to know someone.

“Yes, you left it at the bench.” He was dripping wet, and still he is smiling.

I never felt like it, my heart beating fast, goose bumps are all over my spine, I felt intense happiness with only one gesture he made. That day was the start of a very good friendship, and the first time I had a crush on a boy.

(to be continued...)

i'll try to write the second chapter later so maybe next week you can read it already...just feel free to comment guys...